Downhill

I was going to do a post on painting. I will, but right now I want to pause and talk about how sucky my summer is shaping up to be.

If you haven’t guessed, I still don’t have a job. I think I am overqualified for retail, underqualified for fitness, and I feel (personally) that I am no longer qualified for anything in TV. I actually feel like I haven’t been qualified for anything in TV for a very long time. So, point one – forever unemployment.

Because of the major unemployment looming in the midst, two things happen. (Well three if you count the depression that comes from the two things.) One is that I get really bored. I lose motivation (we already know I had troubles with that in the first place) to do anything so all I do is watch TV. I’ve barely been wanting to even walk King. When I walk King, that gives me the opportunity to think about things and I get really sad. (I have very recently started painting, but I’ll get to that in another post.) The second is the worst consequence of all. I can’t go to Europe. I always have this attitude in the back of my mind that when I start make big plans such as these, that they never work out, because in the past, that’s exactly what’s happened. I told myself this time, no, it will happen. I even got a passport, which is the most I’ve ever done towards plans such as these. Now, reality is that if I can’t get a job - and soon, like this week - there’s nothing I can do about going. Most employers are also not going to like the fact that I’ll be there for about a month then take off for two weeks. I feel absolutely hopeless that this is going to happen, and it really depresses me.

Icing on the cake: I lost my wallet the other day. It contained two credit cards, one debit card, my student card, Y membership card, expired drivers licence that I use for ID, health card that I just got about a month ago, $20 cash and $5 worth of bus tickets. I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized it was missing. Very upsetting.

Okay, trying to be positive here. I’m trying to shift my attitude towards that if I end up staying in Ottawa unemployed all summer, that I will use that time to REALLY focus on training myself into shape. I should have enough money to get me groceries, bus tickets and boxing memberships for the rest of the summer, I already paid for my Y membership for the summer, and I’m challenging myself to run AT LEAST 3k every day. So, there’s my uplifting bit. Trying to feel it anyway.